Adventure in mental illness...

Well, for anyone who reads this (which i don't imagine is many) you will have noticed that my prior entry is gone. I'm rescinding it. When I wrote it I was angry and being a little self righteous. Fuck you, I'm allowed to. I just had my "exit talk" with her. Plain and simple, it's done. I've kinda known it's done, but this was the be all end all if you will.

What disturbs me the most about it, is my complete lack of emotion. Maybe it's just that so much time has passed, and I already knew it was coming. I'd like to think it's only going to get easier, but anyone who knows me, knows that this is just a state of shock. I can't blame her. I have to accept that fact for what it is. I'm an adult and I have to take responsibility for actions I set in motion due to my own insecurities. And I have to start picking up the pieces of what's been shattered, and see what is salvageable.

First off, I want to apologize to any of our mutual friends for any stress this has caused. Yeah, I handled it like a little bitch. I concede to that point. I placed friendships in danger because I couldn't get this horrible shit out of my head. And that is what it is, shit. Just sloshing around in there, gumming up the works. Self pitying? You betcha. I at least know my strengths. This entire ordeal, or at least the last half of it, has made me realize I really need help. And I can't rely on anyone but myself to do it.

I made mistakes, and breached boundaries of trust. Sorry. Sadly it's something I do when I feel threatened, or insecure. And especially about something like this. No one I know enjoys looking into their own soul (Jesus, did I just write that?) and to see someone they don't like, or even know looking back. I want to be able to say I learned something from this. Find a positive in all of this shit that has been going on, whether real or imagined. I want a little piece of mind. And all I keep coming to is myself. Hunched over like gollum and holding onto all the things that make me, for good or bad, the way I am.

Yes, I wear my heart on my sleeve, yes I over analyze EVERY little thing until it reaches a crescendo of unimaginable garbage. A tsunami of fucked up, complex, and ultimately wrong emotions and ideas. Do I think my life is over? Rationally, no, I accept the fact that this shit happens. Irrationally, fuck yes. I'm currently contemplating calling off work, and not leaving my room for a good couple months. And as much as I put the brave face on, or at least attempt to. The chinks in my armor show through, apparently much more than I even realized.

I in no way want to make her feel like I hate her. Which I have no right to do. It's just so goddamn complicated (at least for me) to try and accept the fact that we share mutual friends. Our entire relationship is intertwined with our friendship with everyone. And to have to continue with the one, while the other is gone. Well, I'm just not sure. Even hanging out with everyone still brings on the aforementioned garbage storm. I want to believe it wasn't a waste of time. It wasn't (for me at least) and I know that it wasn't for her, or at least that's what I have to tell myself. Which sounds shitty, I know, but if I don't have irrational thoughts right now, I wouldn't be human.

I could go on and on about the little things that continue to sabotage my ability to get over this. That in and of itself is just another car-bomb waiting to explode. It's just coming to grips with the fact that there is no way to make this better for the time being, other than time. I understand that this will leave a scar, what I choose to do with how I attained that scar is what I have to decide now. Do I turn it into a point of pride i.e.-be able to tell a good story about it eventually, and look back on the good that came from it?
Or do I let it turn me into a phantom of sorts? Just float through my life never bothering to deal with the serious emotional toll this took on me, and stop trusting.
We all know what the right, and through perspective, answer is.
Just right now, the latter is certainly more comforting.

So in summation.
I'm sorry to everyone, Lisa, Angelo, Billy, Guido, Stef. I've put you through a completely unfair situation. And your attempts to help me did not fall on deaf ears.

And Mikey. I am especially sorry that you have been the one caught in the middle of this. I know I've said it before and for the sake of repetition, it makes me feel better. I know this isn't your fault. I know my actions, and even what I've talked about have made it seem like I don't mean it. I'm just so fucked up in the head right now,my words betray me. To reiterate. I don't blame you, or think anything has gone on. I imagine this has been hardest on you. And that is completely unacceptable. You don't do that to a friend. Ever.


I'd like to say this was a well organized, or even thought out entry. If I've learned anything though, it's that I'm not a good planner.
Take that for what you will.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1WQghnUnj4Y

(cheesy yes, but it's all I got)