I just don't know anymore folks. I'm trying, I mean really putting forth an effort to heal myself mentally. And more things keep popping up. Do I bring them on by being the way I am? Are they all a manifestation of my illness? I want to believe that what I think, well after today, know, is wrong.
I never claimed to be a great person. I go on a day to day basis trying to figure out who I am, and how that reflects upon the people I know and love. I'm generally pretty good about it (with the obvious exception of what I wrote in a prior entry). In the same sense though, isn't that what makes me the person I am? All my faults and idiosyncrasies. good or bad? Should I constantly live in fear of what might be, or do I let it go and accept fate for what it is? And yes, I realize this sounds like a middle school girls journal entry. Deal with it.
Alright, lets break it down for you all.
I am....
1.Neurotic
2.Paranoid
3.Depressive
4.Anxiety prone (which leads to the other three)
5.Cynical
And all of these things lead to the person I am. Good, bad, or otherwise.
I never claimed to be the smartest, or even best person on earth.
And yes, the way I collect information or even reach conclusions sometimes is, for lack of better term, a serious side effect of my mental problems.
Don't I deserve a little bit of respect, let alone honesty?
I've tried to make things better for myself and those around me. I constantly talk the demons in my head down from making poor decisions. But when you let the voices win out, where are you?
And when the voices were correct, what do you do then?
Do I just accept the fact that things are not the way they should be, and I haven't kept up my end of the bargin?
Or is it something beyond my control, based on my aforementioned mental problems, availability (both emotionally and just physical presence)?
Or do I damn the person who wronged me, if things are what I'm convinced they are?
I can't blame anyone that is unaware of their actions effects upon others. Nor can I control how they will be received by people.
I just want to be secure in what I'm told, and what the truth is are not separate entities.
Long story short. I want someone to still love me, who (from all supporting evidence) is falling for someone else.
I'm done...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VyxFAzzscBg
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1 comment:
if you need help—and i mean the kind you don't have to pay for—perhaps you could let me in on the "supporting evidence". sometimes shrinks who have known you for a month have less insight than someone who's known you for 19 years (wow. we're old.)
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