No. YOU drink the piss....

So, it's been awhile kids. i know, i know, you've all been in a sea of confusion (or a land if you prefer the video)



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3MzShg7yXik



Regardless...



I've recently watched the movie Rambo.

No, Not First Blood, which is a great movie. Anyone who hasn't watched it obviously doesn't understand why it was so sad that they made sequels.

Rambo though....where to begin?

This is a movie that going into I had very low expectations. For a myriad of reasons, Sly is a little past his prime, it's been twenty years since the last time John Rambo had to clean up a mess other people made, and all the pre-release videos,interviews, and other assorted what-not made this film look absolutely insane. John Rambo now lives in Thailand? He's a snake wrangler/Blacksmith? What the fuck is going on here?

I'll tell you what's going on here.....

One of the best throwback action films I have seen in a very very very long time.

Alright, lets get the plot synopsis out of the way. Rambo has retired to Thailand to live a quiet and simple life of snake wrangling for a local tourist "snake show", and ferrying people around in an old PT boat. He also seems to work on a smithing forge at points, why? God only knows. Enter the Christian Missionaries, their intentions are to go to War torn Burma and help the people by educating them to Christ, and providing medicine and other such shit that missionaries do. Rambo is, of course, trying to keep them from going by being a gruff old bastard. His lines consist mostly of "go home" and unintelligible grunts. Finally the "attractive" female of the group of missionaries gives him some hackneyed speech about helping people because you can, blah, blah, blah. Long story short, Rambo brings them to the Village in Burma, And then all hell breaks loose.

the scene opens up with pleasant music playing in the background as the camera pans around to various scenes of the missionaries helping the people (reading them the bible, giving them packs with what I guess is food, and of course a bible, you get the idea). After it pans around and up to the Doctor of the group helping someone, it does a quick cut to men in military garb loading a mortar, and then the explosions start. This is the part of the film that just doesn't care about offending you.



Villagers having their legs cut off by soldiers, Check

People getting their legs blown off by mortars, Check

Women getting shot, Check

Women having their shirts ripped off, and presumably raped, Check

Children being shot, Check

Children being bayoneted, Check

Building being burned down, Check

and the coup de grace.....

After said building is lit on fire, a Burmese soldier grabs a woman holding a child, pushes the woman out of the way, and throws the child into the burning building.

Yes I just typed that.

He throws a child into a BURNING FUCKING BUILDING!!

Don't believe me???



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m9X7aqygXA4

(2:09 is the sweet spot)

After the insanity that is this scene we are left to see what Rambo is going to do about it. If your answer is "bring about vengeance like a man with a sword made of AIDS" you would be correct.

From here on out the movie starts to be what everyone thinks a Rambo film is mindless,beautiful fucking violence. Heads exploding, snipers,an old S.A.S bastard who don't know Rambo's past, bow and arrow killings, and a twenty minute finale that is so amazing that I almost threw up something I ate in third grade from laughing so hard, in a good way.
One of the other things they got right with this movie is the length of it. An hour and twenty minutes or so. Perfect. Just enough time to tell a "story". Let's be honest though, this movie (as even Stallone has said) was made for fans of the Rambo series. I would like to say there is some deeper meaning behind it, but that would just degrade both of us, now wouldn't it?

All in all this movie is definitely worth watching. If not for the sheer absurdity of it, just to see a movie that doesn't flinch away from what made action movies great in the past (at least in my opinion). Sheer unapologetic violence on such an absurd scale you just have to watch the spectacle of it passing before you.

Next time: Maybe something more serious, but probably not...lets be honest.