I just don't know anymore folks. I'm trying, I mean really putting forth an effort to heal myself mentally. And more things keep popping up. Do I bring them on by being the way I am? Are they all a manifestation of my illness? I want to believe that what I think, well after today, know, is wrong.
I never claimed to be a great person. I go on a day to day basis trying to figure out who I am, and how that reflects upon the people I know and love. I'm generally pretty good about it (with the obvious exception of what I wrote in a prior entry). In the same sense though, isn't that what makes me the person I am? All my faults and idiosyncrasies. good or bad? Should I constantly live in fear of what might be, or do I let it go and accept fate for what it is? And yes, I realize this sounds like a middle school girls journal entry. Deal with it.
Alright, lets break it down for you all.
I am....
1.Neurotic
2.Paranoid
3.Depressive
4.Anxiety prone (which leads to the other three)
5.Cynical
And all of these things lead to the person I am. Good, bad, or otherwise.
I never claimed to be the smartest, or even best person on earth.
And yes, the way I collect information or even reach conclusions sometimes is, for lack of better term, a serious side effect of my mental problems.
Don't I deserve a little bit of respect, let alone honesty?
I've tried to make things better for myself and those around me. I constantly talk the demons in my head down from making poor decisions. But when you let the voices win out, where are you?
And when the voices were correct, what do you do then?
Do I just accept the fact that things are not the way they should be, and I haven't kept up my end of the bargin?
Or is it something beyond my control, based on my aforementioned mental problems, availability (both emotionally and just physical presence)?
Or do I damn the person who wronged me, if things are what I'm convinced they are?
I can't blame anyone that is unaware of their actions effects upon others. Nor can I control how they will be received by people.
I just want to be secure in what I'm told, and what the truth is are not separate entities.
Long story short. I want someone to still love me, who (from all supporting evidence) is falling for someone else.
I'm done...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VyxFAzzscBg
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Monday, August 25, 2008
I'm not a real pussy doctor, but I play one in my shed....
So, apparently there is now a monarchy without a king, a kingdom in disarray, a country without direction. Or a block without a drunk/hepped up on goofballs asshole after the cops arrested him. Bear with me fine readers, I have a tale.
So, around eight thirty every night myself and either two or three co-workers leave the hospital and go to my front porch to smoke a cigarette on our ten minute break. Being that (which is understandable) the hospital doesn't want people (especially employees) smoking on hospital grounds. Although (somehow) my house technically falls within the hospitals anti-smoking area. Which boggles my mind, based on the fact that my landlord/roommate OWNS this house. So how exactly does a privately owned house fall within their non-smoking area? God only knows, but I digress.
Co-workers,8:30,smoking. Sitting on my front porch. Just shit talking, as one would expect on a smoke break. My new neighbors across the street have their entire family outside on their porch. And when I say entire I mean what seems to be every relative they have, all jammed into the house. I'm guessing they have bunks built in the basement Ala Fight Club. There has to be at least fifteen people I see on their porch and running around the general vicinity of their house. Always yelling, and screeching and blaring music. Toddlers in underwear running around at times that are well past an acceptable time for a child to be...
A.) running around in underwear
B.) even being awake (in my estimation)
So the kids are yelling, at the top of their lungs, running to the end of the block and then running back to the house. Not exactly conducive to a break.
When out of nowhere the aforementioned nutball starts to yell, and I quote.
"WHICH ON OF YOU PUSSIES SAID SHIT?!?! WHO SAID SHIT AND RAN AWAY?!?! MOTHERFUCKERS!!!
I KNOW YOU WENT IN THAT HOUSE, WHO THE FUCK SAID SHIT AND RAN OFF?!?!?!
I'M THE KING OF THIS BLOCK, I RUN SHIT HERE NIGGA!!!"
And so on ans so forth ad nauseum.
Now the whole time he's yelling, more and larger members of said family he is yelling at are coming out of their bunker. There is a (and I use this term loosely) grown man accusing children of "starting shit". Really, really?
The one thing that makes this a little bit more than just random nutball starting shit is the fact that he appeared to be carrying some form of weapon. Looked, to me at least, like a fork or possibly a knife of some sort. So shit is a bit more serious than it really should have been. About two minutes into his tirade a cop comes tearing up behind him. The cop hops out and has what I believe was a gun, but might have also been a tazer ( Oh how I wish it had been a tazer) pulled out almost immediately. Which makes me feel a little bit better about my neigborhood, but also hate it for the fact that this even has to happen.
Cope does his job, douschebag drops the weapon, he is cuffed, and lets out one last "FUCKING PUSSY!!!" before being shoved into a squad car and driven off to the pokey. And that my friends is why I hate my neighborhood on certain nights.
In a perfect world I would have a tazer, and the world would be a better place.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eQUrqLQfPME
Next time: I beat Kobayashi in a hot-dog eating contest, and Kobayashi beats me by eating my hot-dog.
So, around eight thirty every night myself and either two or three co-workers leave the hospital and go to my front porch to smoke a cigarette on our ten minute break. Being that (which is understandable) the hospital doesn't want people (especially employees) smoking on hospital grounds. Although (somehow) my house technically falls within the hospitals anti-smoking area. Which boggles my mind, based on the fact that my landlord/roommate OWNS this house. So how exactly does a privately owned house fall within their non-smoking area? God only knows, but I digress.
Co-workers,8:30,smoking. Sitting on my front porch. Just shit talking, as one would expect on a smoke break. My new neighbors across the street have their entire family outside on their porch. And when I say entire I mean what seems to be every relative they have, all jammed into the house. I'm guessing they have bunks built in the basement Ala Fight Club. There has to be at least fifteen people I see on their porch and running around the general vicinity of their house. Always yelling, and screeching and blaring music. Toddlers in underwear running around at times that are well past an acceptable time for a child to be...
A.) running around in underwear
B.) even being awake (in my estimation)
So the kids are yelling, at the top of their lungs, running to the end of the block and then running back to the house. Not exactly conducive to a break.
When out of nowhere the aforementioned nutball starts to yell, and I quote.
"WHICH ON OF YOU PUSSIES SAID SHIT?!?! WHO SAID SHIT AND RAN AWAY?!?! MOTHERFUCKERS!!!
I KNOW YOU WENT IN THAT HOUSE, WHO THE FUCK SAID SHIT AND RAN OFF?!?!?!
I'M THE KING OF THIS BLOCK, I RUN SHIT HERE NIGGA!!!"
And so on ans so forth ad nauseum.
Now the whole time he's yelling, more and larger members of said family he is yelling at are coming out of their bunker. There is a (and I use this term loosely) grown man accusing children of "starting shit". Really, really?
The one thing that makes this a little bit more than just random nutball starting shit is the fact that he appeared to be carrying some form of weapon. Looked, to me at least, like a fork or possibly a knife of some sort. So shit is a bit more serious than it really should have been. About two minutes into his tirade a cop comes tearing up behind him. The cop hops out and has what I believe was a gun, but might have also been a tazer ( Oh how I wish it had been a tazer) pulled out almost immediately. Which makes me feel a little bit better about my neigborhood, but also hate it for the fact that this even has to happen.
Cope does his job, douschebag drops the weapon, he is cuffed, and lets out one last "FUCKING PUSSY!!!" before being shoved into a squad car and driven off to the pokey. And that my friends is why I hate my neighborhood on certain nights.
In a perfect world I would have a tazer, and the world would be a better place.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eQUrqLQfPME
Next time: I beat Kobayashi in a hot-dog eating contest, and Kobayashi beats me by eating my hot-dog.
Lite-Brite: Expert Edition
Dazzling lightshows—interactive and not—from United Visual Artists, a design collective from England.
"Volume" at the Victoria and Albert Museum
"Contact" at Roppongi Hills, Tokyo
Kabaret's Prophecy, a nightclub in central London
...and a video for Battles
Friday, August 15, 2008
When I die please put my head in a jar
Why? If you don't I will never be able to have it attached to a robot body. I'm really quite serious
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Discman
I know I listed ~scape dubstep compilation Round Black Ghosts on my last entry, but listening to it made me realize something: i missed my Discman.
That's right. The Sony Discman—the bright, shiny yellow apparatus that lays dormant in so many closets and drawers, or
has been simply dumped by the majority of Zen and Zune users (I am assuming that all of you have one of these fine products)—still has value. To whom? To those who listen to music that doesn't hold-up gracefully under digital compression. The dubstep genre certainly qualifies. So does most finely crafted house, techno and any kind of music/sound construct leaning towards subtlety. I even ran a side-by-side comparison—you really don't have to be an audiophile to tell the difference.
I know that this isn't news, but I think if anyone reading this cares enough to conduct similar tests they will see the limitations of convenient formats. Of course this all goes out the window when FLAC becomes more accessible. But until then, don't settle for 30% of the product—especially when sound production is the focus of the music in question.
That's right. The Sony Discman—the bright, shiny yellow apparatus that lays dormant in so many closets and drawers, or
has been simply dumped by the majority of Zen and Zune users (I am assuming that all of you have one of these fine products)—still has value. To whom? To those who listen to music that doesn't hold-up gracefully under digital compression. The dubstep genre certainly qualifies. So does most finely crafted house, techno and any kind of music/sound construct leaning towards subtlety. I even ran a side-by-side comparison—you really don't have to be an audiophile to tell the difference.I know that this isn't news, but I think if anyone reading this cares enough to conduct similar tests they will see the limitations of convenient formats. Of course this all goes out the window when FLAC becomes more accessible. But until then, don't settle for 30% of the product—especially when sound production is the focus of the music in question.
Monday, August 11, 2008
So I just read that the new date for turning on CERN will be something like September 10th, I can't wait to be consumed by an artificially generated black hole, or have to do battle with formerly invisible creatures from another dimension. Life will be meaningful once again. We've been lulled into ineptitude with our bagged and washed salads and our TV On Demand. It's time for a good old fashioned "only the strong survive" scenario. We need to thin out the heard.
Okay so I'm totally joking, I would probably be one of the first to go. But I am really excited about the worlds largest supercollider coming to life in less than a month, technology in every facet will change and change quickly.
Other than that here's a couple interesting sounds I've heard recently
Please enjoy ..
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